On Steroids
Fri, 2016-10-07 05:00
News Staff
Coffee Talk
Renae Brumbaugh Green
Steroid [steeroid, ster-] Biochemistry (noun) any of a large group of fat-soluble organic compounds, as the sterols, bile acids, and sex hormones, most of which have specific physiological action.
Idioms: on steroids, Slang. much larger, stronger, or more extreme than is normal or expected:
Note : Steroids are often used illegally to increase the performance of competitive athletes of almost all age groups. They are banned in many athletic competitions, such as the Olympic Games.
You may be wondering why I started this column with a science lesson. The reason is a simple one: as of right now, I’m no longer eligible to compete in the Olympic Games.
Heartbreaking, I know. I understand you were counting on me to win gold in the newly-formed Black Friday shopping event, but we may have to transfer our hopes to one of the Kardashian girls until I get clean.
I didn’t have a choice, though. A week ago, I got the sniffly-sneezies. A couple of days later, I started running a fever. By Monday of this week, I was singing bass instead of soprano. My own daughter nearly hung up on me, because she thought she had the wrong number. And when my son called to ask if he could go with his friends to play golf, he proceeded to have an entire phone conversation with my husband, because that’s who he thought he was talking to. Ouch.
Finally, yesterday, I admitted the herbal tea and over-the-counter meds weren’t doing the job, and I went to my doctor. And begged.
I didn’t have to beg too hard. Before leaving his office, I had a sore posterior and a new hope that one day soon, I’d be back to my normal self. Only stronger. Now that I’m on steroidal enhancements, I might even be able to open the pickle jar without assistance.
I wish other things in life were that simple. My ego could sure use a steroid boost, after all the writer-rejection letters I receive. Or after watching myself on video and being reminded that I’m not nearly as cute as I was twenty years ago. Or after trying my best, on a project, and realizing my best isn’t good enough. Or . . . you get the idea.
And my patience could benefit from some steroidal supplements, as well. Honestly, living in a home with a fourteen-year-old who knows more than I do about every subject in the history of the world can be . . . trying. Good thing he was a really cute baby, and stored up some extra maternal-love points. I do adore that kid, but some days he depletes my tolerance levels. Does that make me a bad mom?
My joy could use a bit of enhancement as well, especially on days when the house is a wreck despite the fact that it was ready for a Better Homes and Gardens photo shoot less than 24 hours ago. Or when I have to make four trips to town because I keep forgetting the thing I went to town for in the first place. (I guess my memory could use some supplementary improvement, as well?)
The good thing is, I have a supplier. He’s always there when I need a little hit of peace, or joy, or patience, or so many other things. The more I rely on Him, the more addicted I become . . . but that’s okay. His particular brand of supplementation isn’t illegal, and it has no harmful side effects. It makes me stronger, wiser, more joyful, more patient . . . the list goes on and on. And the great thing is, time spent with God in prayer and reading His Word is free, and the benefits are endless.
“Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust in the Lord will be joyful,” Proverbs 16:20.