We’re mean
by Lynette Sowell
One of my favorite books from childhood begins like this: “It was a dull autumn day and Jill Pole was crying behind the gym. She was crying because they had been bullying her. This is not going to be a school story, so I shall say as little as possible about Jill’s school, which is not a pleasant subject.”
So opens The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis, published 60 years ago. Supposedly at Jill’s school, the leaders believed children should be allowed to do what they liked, and about 15 of them liked nothing better than bullying the others. Was it stopped? No.
“Instead, the Head[master] said they were interesting psychological cases and sent for them and talked to them for hours. And if you knew the right sort of things to say to the Head, the main result was that you became rather a favorite than otherwise.”
So of course, bullying is nothing new. Some seem to think this new wave of meanness is something that’s recently surfaced. Why in the world are preteen girls growing claws and fangs, despite their pretty faces and big-girl clothing?
It’s far more easier now to slash out with words and cut. Our little digital natives use the new technology to fling words like darts at anyone they please. And our big digital natives do the same thing.
“Kids will be kids,” some people say. And oh yes, they most certainly will.
We’ve all heard of the “pecking” order. Everyone knows who’s the coolest, the best, the stars. If you stand out in a bad way, of course the one person you wish wouldn’t notice does, and they never let you, or anyone else, forget it.
The world is filled with the awkward, the tentative, the ones who haven’t quite figured things out. People can take decades to figure things out, and others who see and focus on someone’s backwardness, well, the awkward and tentative are fair game.
Former NFL player Eric Davis had this to say on ESPN about a bullying controversy in the Miami Dolphins:
“Just like in life, in the locker room, people treat you in the manner in which you present yourself.”
The conversation surrounded the idea if Martin invited the bullying he received from team members. Yes, all agreed that some first-year pranks and mild hazing occurs to the new guys—for example, picking up the tab one night out. However, Davis and the others blamed Martin for bringing on some of what followed, and inviting it.
We all know the one person in the office who’s the backwards one. The one who doesn’t say quite the right thing, the one apt to leave the rest room with toilet paper stuck to their shoe, or the one who doesn’t dress quite as nicely as the others. People know. And people say it doesn’t matter. But it does.
Standup comics and snarky shows make an art form out of belittling people, picking out someone’s worst moment and magnifying it for everyone.
No wonder our children learn how to turn their peers into shreds. Making fun of someone else at their expense may earn someone the title of a quick wit. So they look for chances to prove how smart they are by picking on another, to earn laughter and attention.
And somewhere a line is crossed where “kids will be kids” teasing transforms into a toxic reign of terror that can make the sweetest kid with the brightest future question their very existence.
Kindness and respect doesn’t come naturally to the self-centered. And the self-centered children listen to us, the adults, and pay very close attention to how we talk to and about people who don’t quite measure up to our expectations.
There’s a perverse, heady feeling of power that comes to those who bully, who get caught up into making someone’s life miserable for no real reason. But is there a reason to bully if someone “invites” it by their demeanor? We must face it before we can change it: sometimes we’re just plain mean.
It by their it by their demeanor? We must face it before we can change it: sometimes, we’re just plain mean