Big green barn

Renae Brumbaugh Green

I am so vain. I just watched myself sing a solo on our church website, and all I could think was, “My face is so chubby. I didn’t know my hips were that wide. My hair needs help.” I was wearing a green dress. But it looked more like a big green barn on the screen.

 

While I was singing, I really was thinking about the words and their meaning . . . but watching it back? Man. Brutal. Forgive me, Lord.

 

The problem is, I don’t feel any older than I did when I was twenty. Other than the knee creaks and shoulder pops, nothing has changed. At least not in my mind. And since the physical changes have happened over several decades, I don’t notice them as much when I look in the mirror.

 

But watching myself on screen is different. With video, I see myself the way others see me. And though I’d never be such a harsh critic of anyone else’s physical appearance, when I look at myself, all I can think is, “Whoa. Girl. What happened to you?”

 

Believe me. There is no greater motivation to get in shape than the sudden realization that you’re not nearly as cute as you thought you were. This morning, as soon as I finish writing this article, I’m headed to Weight Watchers. I even have a buddy lined up to go with me. I’ll keep you posted on the results.

 

The whole episode reminds me of a 1786 poem by Scottish poet Robert Burns. It’s titled, “To a Louse, Upon Seeing One on a Lady’s Bonnet at Church.” My favorite line, and perhaps the most oft-quoted one from the poem, reads,

 

“And would some Power give us

the gift,

 

To see ourselves as others see us!”

 

In it, there’s a pious, upper-class lady who thinks she’s all that. How horrified she’d be if she knew everyone could see a common louse crawling around in her hair! It’s a funny picture, actually . . . but a humbling one, as well, when we apply the lesson to our own lives.

 

The truth is, most people don’t care about my physical appearance, as long as I’m well groomed and don’t smell bad. They care more about what my heart looks like. They care about how I make them feel, when I’m around them. And though I like to think of myself as kind and compassionate and generous . . . I wonder if that’s how others see me.

 

I hope so.

 

I wish I could videotape my spirit, and view it from someone else’s point of view. I wish I could be a fly on the walls of other’s minds, and hear what they think of me.

 

Well, maybe not.

 

But I do hope when people see me, they feel safe. I hope when they’re around me, they feel loved and accepted and cared for. I hope I don’t make people feel judged or hurt or inferior in any way.

 

This whole seeing-myself-with-bad-hair fiasco has reminded me that my purpose here, on this earth, isn’t to look cute. It isn’t to impress others with my style and beauty. My purpose here is to love.